Officially the last remaining single member of my family

My younger brother recently got engaged, and asked me to help them with the wording on their wedding invitations.  In celebration of this, and because I have now spent 30 spinsterly years scrutinizing OTHER PEOPLE'S ANNOUNCEMENTS and developing many a pet peeve regarding their presentation, I now share with you my Top 10 List of Do's and Don'ts for wedding invitations and announcements:

1.  Don't list where you are registered, and don't even include those stupid cards in the envelope. It is tacky and rude, and smacks of gift-grubbing.  If people want to know where you are registered, they will ask you or your family, or they will assume Target and Bed/Bath/Beyond since everyone registers there anyway, and will look up your registry online if they are smart people.  (Way around this:  Set up a wedding website with The Knot or someplace, and at the bottom of the invitation say something like, "visit the website of the happy couple at www.blahblahblah."  Those websites always have links to the couple's registry.  Plus you can post 10,000 cute pictures, a story of how you met, and whatever else you want.)

2.  Don't say "Bo-Bob and Gertrude Smith, and Jim and Ann Jones announce the marriage of their children."  It sounds like the bride and groom are cousins. People don't like to buy presents for inbreds.

3.  Be consistent.  If you name her parents as Dr. and Mrs. Beauregard Robert Smith, then say Mr. and Mrs. James Cletus Jones.  If you go with Bo-Bob and Gertrude Smith, go with Jim and Ann Jones.

4.  Don't put your picture in an oval, and don't use that misty filter on Photoshop around the edges of the picture.  It makes it look like a funeral remembrance card.

5.  Don't wear matching shirts in the photo, especially if they have a stripe across the chest.  It makes you look like the two-headed monster from Sesame Street, albeit slightly better dressed.

6.  Don't pose while sitting on opposite tracks of a railroad, while not touching one another at all, or even looking at each other.  This is your wedding announcement.  People EXPECT it to look like you are fairly fond of one another.

7.  On the flipside, don't do that hokey "girl's left hand on the guy's chest to highlight sparkling diamond" pose.  Obviously you're engaged, which is why we're receiving the picture in the first place.  Nobody cares about the size of the ring.  That pose is just tacky and cheesy.  Who stands like that in real life?

8.  Don't make retarded inside jokes in the invitation or say things that sound juvenile.  I once read an invitation that said, "Frank and Alice Parents are thrilled to FINALLY announce the marriage of their daughter..."  As if the daughter doesn't feel crappy enough already at being a commitment-phobic disappointment with shriveled-up ovaries.  Another one said, in the directions to the reception, "Keep driving down a yucky dirt road until you see a lot of deer and trees and stuff."  Seriously?  I don't think I even need to comment on that one.

9.  If you're going to use a vellum overlay, for heaven's sake, tie it with something classier than YARN!!!  Did you REALLY just decide this morning, "Oh gosh, better get those announcements out.  Now what can I tie them with?  Good thing I'm knitting this scarf -- crisis averted!"

10.  Don't include double envelopes, PLUS multiple paper inserts including separate invitations to the ceremony, directions, and registry information, PLUS a response card with separate envelope.  This is just a massive paper cut waiting to happen.  Figure out a simpler, less tree-killing way to get the information out.

11.  Spell, capitalize, and punctuate everything correctly.  (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for example.  I know that's a tough one.  I mean, there are hardly any places where you can check the correct spelling of that.  It's not like it's on your Sunday School manual, or mission nametags, or on the Church website.  That is really so unfortunate.  Somebody up at Church headquarters really needs to get on that.)


So it's actually my Top 11 list, but suffice it to say that after all the roommates, mission companions, friends, neighbors, and work colleagues I have known who have gotten married in the last decade or so, I have amassed quite a collection of announcements.  Some of these are now my "steal their good ideas" pile, and some are in my mockery pile.  When my time comes, it will likely take me all of five seconds to draft something up.  And trust me, it will look and sound AWESOME.

Comments

[Libby]

You are hilarious! I was almost afraid to read this--were you going to mock my announcement? But, as you didn't say NOT to say "forthcoming marriage" (no one does that, so I'd have known it was mine you were referring to!), we can still be friends!
Congrats to your brother!

[Girassol]

Libby, I loved your invitation! Don't you worry, yours was totally in the cool pile. I loved that you wore a hoodie and Jon wore a leather jacket, I loved that you said "forthcoming marriage" because you are actually more grammatically correct that way, and you used a good font and everything. It was tasteful, straightforward, and very you guys. In fact, I might even steal the "forthcoming" thing in the future if you don't mind. :)

And thanks for the congrats for Eric! The wedding was over Christmas break and it was beautiful. He picked a great gal and we love her.