Girassol

Speaking clearly, or not so much

So the other night I watched this movie called "Feel The Noise." (I thought there would be more fun dancing involved, but instead there was all this stuff about sampling Puerto Rican frog noises into reggaeton music, and how The Man wanted to take out all the flava from the music and then sleep with the main character's girlfriend, causing her to kick him in the cojones and run away and sleep on a park bench, yet wake up the next morning looking strangely fresh-faced and conveniently right along the route of the Puerto Rico Day parade so she could reconcile with her boyfriend before his Very Important Performance.  But that's not really here nor there.)

Anyway, the main character had this annoying habit of using the filler, "You know what I'm sayin'?" in between all the rest of his lines.  Except it sounded like, "Younoamsan'?"  I get that a lot of people really do talk like this, and I get that it was supposed to lend authenticity to his role and all, but you know what, movie character?  I don't know what you're sayin', because you're not really sayin' anything since in between everything you're actually sayin', you keep sayin' "you know what I'm sayin'?"   

I find this to be one of the strangest filled pauses... I get "um" and "uh" and "well" and even "you know," but really, "You know what I'm sayin'?"  If the filler is so long you have to trim it down unto something completely unintelligible, that kind of defeats the purpose of a filled pause in the first place, which is basically to buy you time while you think of what to say next.  I'd be thinking about making my filler sound right instead of thinking about my next point, and then I would need to employ a new filler while I remembered what I was trying to say in the first place.  You know what I'm sayin'?  

Officially the last remaining single member of my family

My younger brother recently got engaged, and asked me to help them with the wording on their wedding invitations.  In celebration of this, and because I have now spent 30 spinsterly years scrutinizing OTHER PEOPLE'S ANNOUNCEMENTS and developing many a pet peeve regarding their presentation, I now share with you my Top 10 List of Do's and Don'ts for wedding invitations and announcements:

1.  Don't list where you are registered, and don't even include those stupid cards in the envelope. It is tacky and rude, and smacks of gift-grubbing.  If people want to know where you are registered, they will ask you or your family, or they will assume Target and Bed/Bath/Beyond since everyone registers there anyway, and will look up your registry online if they are smart people.  (Way around this:  Set up a wedding website with The Knot or someplace, and at the bottom of the invitation say something like, "visit the website of the happy couple at www.blahblahblah."  Those websites always have links to the couple's registry.  Plus you can post 10,000 cute pictures, a story of how you met, and whatever else you want.)

2.  Don't say "Bo-Bob and Gertrude Smith, and Jim and Ann Jones announce the marriage of their children."  It sounds like the bride and groom are cousins. People don't like to buy presents for inbreds.

3.  Be consistent.  If you name her parents as Dr. and Mrs. Beauregard Robert Smith, then say Mr. and Mrs. James Cletus Jones.  If you go with Bo-Bob and Gertrude Smith, go with Jim and Ann Jones.

4.  Don't put your picture in an oval, and don't use that misty filter on Photoshop around the edges of the picture.  It makes it look like a funeral remembrance card.

5.  Don't wear matching shirts in the photo, especially if they have a stripe across the chest.  It makes you look like the two-headed monster from Sesame Street, albeit slightly better dressed.

6.  Don't pose while sitting on opposite tracks of a railroad, while not touching one another at all, or even looking at each other.  This is your wedding announcement.  People EXPECT it to look like you are fairly fond of one another.

7.  On the flipside, don't do that hokey "girl's left hand on the guy's chest to highlight sparkling diamond" pose.  Obviously you're engaged, which is why we're receiving the picture in the first place.  Nobody cares about the size of the ring.  That pose is just tacky and cheesy.  Who stands like that in real life?

8.  Don't make retarded inside jokes in the invitation or say things that sound juvenile.  I once read an invitation that said, "Frank and Alice Parents are thrilled to FINALLY announce the marriage of their daughter..."  As if the daughter doesn't feel crappy enough already at being a commitment-phobic disappointment with shriveled-up ovaries.  Another one said, in the directions to the reception, "Keep driving down a yucky dirt road until you see a lot of deer and trees and stuff."  Seriously?  I don't think I even need to comment on that one.

9.  If you're going to use a vellum overlay, for heaven's sake, tie it with something classier than YARN!!!  Did you REALLY just decide this morning, "Oh gosh, better get those announcements out.  Now what can I tie them with?  Good thing I'm knitting this scarf -- crisis averted!"

10.  Don't include double envelopes, PLUS multiple paper inserts including separate invitations to the ceremony, directions, and registry information, PLUS a response card with separate envelope.  This is just a massive paper cut waiting to happen.  Figure out a simpler, less tree-killing way to get the information out.

11.  Spell, capitalize, and punctuate everything correctly.  (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for example.  I know that's a tough one.  I mean, there are hardly any places where you can check the correct spelling of that.  It's not like it's on your Sunday School manual, or mission nametags, or on the Church website.  That is really so unfortunate.  Somebody up at Church headquarters really needs to get on that.)


So it's actually my Top 11 list, but suffice it to say that after all the roommates, mission companions, friends, neighbors, and work colleagues I have known who have gotten married in the last decade or so, I have amassed quite a collection of announcements.  Some of these are now my "steal their good ideas" pile, and some are in my mockery pile.  When my time comes, it will likely take me all of five seconds to draft something up.  And trust me, it will look and sound AWESOME.

I am a curmudgeon

You know all that nice stuff I said in my last post about the treats I hear through my windows sometimes?  I hereby take it all back.

I live across the street from an Irish pub, which hosts an open mic night every Wednesday from 9 pm - 1 am. This seems like a very random night to host such a thing. It is also highly unpleasant for me tonight, as I go in for my first day back at teacher in-service tomorrow morning at 7:30.

It is currently past midnight and not only can I hear the band playing inside the pub perfectly well, but the next act is practicing in the street outside my window. The noise is like unto that of many screeching alley cats.  There is a growly lead singer.  There is a harmonica involved.  I cannot put in my ear plugs or I won't hear my alarm clock in the morning and will be late for work. I am greatly perturbed. And tired.

Updates:

12:10 am - The guy singing inside the pub is doing the honky-tonk yodel.

12:13 am - I just heard the singer use the f-word twice.  This is getting more and more delightful.

12:15 am - He is now doing a very Metallica-esque version of "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley.  What kind of schizophrenic band is this?!

12:20 am - Three more f-bombs are dropped by the lead singer.  Two by people in the street.

12:21 am - Another Big F from the band.  Very creative, guys.

12:33 am - Time for more harmonica and a Johnny Cash song.

12:42 am - "To All the Girls I've Loved Before."  Oh, please, make it stop.

12:46 am - "Me and Bobby McGee."  Much hooting and hollering ensues.

12:50 am - "Honky Tonk Women."  The fact that I have just had a reason to use the phrase "honky tonk" twice (oops, make that three times) in less than an hour is nearly as alarming to me as the fact that I am still awake.

12:53 am - The singer announces, "We ain't done yet."  Inside the pub, the crowd shouts with joy.  Inside my house, I whimper with frustration and exhaustion.

1:00 am - Still going strong, they are playing "I Love This Bar."  Obviously, I disagree with them completely.

1:10 am - "I've Got Friends in Low Places."  Because it was only a matter of time.

1:43 am - Wasn't this thing supposed to be over 43 minutes ago?

1:51 am - Sweet, peaceful silence.  It's ABOUT.  DANG.  TIME.

Here's What I Hate:

Crawling, CRAWLING along behind a Mercedes-Benz that's going 15mph for no apparent reason other than the driver's bichon frise wants to hang out the window and get some air.

You know what?  Pull over, let the line of cars pass you, and take the dog for a WALK if it wants some air.  And if you're going to drive 15mph, retire the Benz and get a Buick.

Here's What I Hate:

Ignoramuses who insist on making loud, racist comments in public places and assume that everyone agrees with them.

Today I was in Devil*Mart checking out the Swiss Army knives at their sporting good counter since mine got confiscated at the airport last month, and the clerk was helping out two men who wanted to buy fishing licenses.  They happened to be Hispanic and one of them had to ask the clerk to repeat himself a couple of times, but no big deal.  He just didn't understand the question, "How long have you been here?"  The entire transaction took maybe two minutes.  They bought their licenses and walked away, and the next customer walked up to the register and asked for a couple of boxes of bullets and decided to announce the following gem in a very condescending tone to everyone in earshot:

"Man, you'd think being here for six years already, they'd know how to speak English.  I'm not prejudiced or anything [NEWS FLASH: when you feel the need to preface your comments with statements like that, it signals to me that yes, you are prejudiced] but if I went to another country I'd at least learn the language.  I mean, my gosh."

I said to him, "Hey, learning a new language is harder for some people than others.  I teach English to foreign people -- I should know."  He answered, "Still though, six years is too long."   

Inside I was seething.  I know how hard it is to learn another language.  It takes a lot of time and a concerted effort, and usually a lot of classes that not everyone can afford.  Granted, there are people who go to new countries and cloister themselves in their own little communities and never really learn the new language, but the fishing license guy really was doing quite a good job.  It wasn't like he was holding up the line doing some elaborate pantomime to express what he wanted.  He was causing zero invonvenience to the bullet guy or to anyone else.

Why do people insist on being so belligerent and ethnocentric?  Don't they realize that it wasn't so long ago that their own great-great-grandparents came over from someplace else and had to learn English and that it probably was a struggle for them too?  This country was and continues to be built by people who just showed up, hoping to make a better life for themselves.  You'd think we'd have learned by now to be a little more compassionate to the ones just starting out. 

I wish I could have thought of something really good to say to bullet guy, but I get all upset inside when I hear comments like that and I can't think straight.  If anybody has a good comeback I can use for the next time this happens, I'd love to hear it.